SUCK IT UP, BUTTERCUP!

I'm a part of a site for bariatric patients and those that want to learn about bariatric surgery called bariatricpal.com. It's an awesome site with some amazing support and you can learn just about anything and everything you need to know there. Of course, don't replace any of this good information for something your doctor or surgeon tells you, but there is a wealth of knowledge there. I'll admit, I'm a bit of an addict to this site. You can get tips on staying sane during the pre-op diet, you can hear first-hand from people who have had complications, and you can find the answer to just about anything you want to know. But, alas, there are those on the site that are perpetually negative and think they are experiencing "stalls" if they aren't losing 100 lbs a week. I'm not sure what these people expected. You didn't gain it overnight, you sure as hell won't lose it overnight either. One woman, we'll call her Stacy since that's not her name at all. This 61 year old woman is on there and she is deeply depressed because she's only lost 38 pounds in 5 weeks? WTH? I'm completely blown away when I read this. In case this poor lady has lost her calculator, she's lost an average of 7.6 pounds a week. That's over a pound a DAY. Look, I get it. You went through life altering surgery to lose weight. But, Heaven forbid you actually have to wait for it all to come off. The worst thing we can do is look at other people's success and use that as our barometer to measure our own personal success. Losing much faster than this is a risk in and of itself. Your poor skin, your gallbladder, your mental clarity, everything is affected by quick weight loss. Take it in stride lady, and...

My Top 10 Ways of Trying to PREVENT Loose Skin

I don’t want to look like a flying squirrel after my weight loss, so I’ve spent a great deal of time researching ways to combat loose skin, and while there’s no promise of perfect skin after losing a lot of weight, I’ve come up with the most common things that have supposedly been helpful when talking to and reading about people who have lost up to 100 pounds and more.

No, I’m not a skin specialist, but these are the top 10 things that I think I will do in these two months prepping for surgery Dec. 18th. None of these items would be negative, so any benefit that does come from them will be… well... a benefit!

These are in no particular order :)

1) Coconut Oil – I’m slathering myself in this every day. Coconut oil keeps the skin’s connective tissues strong and supple, and can even help with skin blemishes. I’ve already noticed a major improvement in my skin health since starting this regimen. I’ve always been prone to itchy skin and it has all completely stopped in a matter of days. Also, cooking with coconut oil is the healthiest in my opinion. Cooking with oils such as olive oil is counter-productive because once it reaches a certain temperature it starts to oxidize and release free radicals. That’s never good.

2) Body Brushing aka Dry Brushing - Releases toxins, stimulates the lymphatic system and improves circulation. Always dry brush in a circular motion, brushing toward your middle.

3) Water, Water, Water – Drink, Drink, Drink. If you’re an adult, you know this. Enough said.

4) Weight Training - Work those muscles. This one is tricky for me because I am so arthritic and have fibromyalgia and I have to literally micro-manage my every move in order to prevent adrenal fatigue, but I am so hoping, praying and wishing that once some of this weight comes off and I am in less pain, weight training will be possible again because I love it!

5) Say NO to sun bathing and chlorine – both of these dehydrate your skin. If you’re like me and love to be in the sun, use sunscreen or good clothing coverage. But, for me, I’m personally going to avoid too much direct exposure, at least between now and goal weight. It’s a healthy practice to get into anyway. Unfortunately it can be a catch 22 though, since so many sunscreens are full of skin harming chemicals. Your best bet = cover up! And for Heavens sake – stay out of the tanning bed! If you must go swimming, even in an indoor pool, wash that chlorine off ASAP. Can you say dry skin?

6) Regular Massage – I’m a big believer in massage for too many things to list, but treating your skin to regular massage stimulates your blood cells and lymphatic system. Your skin is your largest organ – treat it nicely ;)

7) Protein – Lots of lean protein will give your skin the collagen and elastin that it needs to stay healthy. If you eat a bunch of crap – expect your skin to be crap, too. I know this from first hand experience. Any time I get off track and start feeding my body junk food, my skin is the first thing to suffer.

8) Use Decent Soap – it doesn’t have to be the most expensive thing on the market, but cleanse your skin with a decent moisturizing cleanser and avoid over-cleansing.

9) Essential Oils – my sister has recently delved into the essential oil world and I’ve really been impressed with some of the studies that have recently been put out. Lavender oil and almond oil just to name a few are amazing things. I add a few drops to my bath when I feel like soaking. It’s good for the skin and the lavender is oh-so-relaxing, too!

10) Compression Wear – The support group meeting that I attend is lead by a bariatric surgery nurse who himself has lost almost 300 lbs. in about 18 months post sleeve. He swears by compression clothing and says it doesn’t have to be the expensive stuff either. Just a good quality compression undershirt and leggings makes a big difference, he says.

Some other ideas I’ve heard about on bariatricpal.com and in my other searches include things like taking beef gelatin, using or making body wraps, using lotion with caffeine, and eating lots of high antioxidant fruits and vegetables. Getting in “lots” of fruits and veggies is particularly challenging for VSG’ers because protein must come first and there’s often not a lot of room for extra. For this reason, taking a bariatric grade supplement for life is critical. A couple of funny comments that I got when I posted a question on a forum about ways to prevent loose skin was “youth” and “good genetics”. I got a good chuckle out of the youth one because now that I’m in my 40’s it’s certainly apparent that I’m not a teenager anymore. But, alas, healthy skin is something we should try to keep at any age.

The bottom line is that none of this may work at all, but if I don't try, and I end up with loose skin, I'll wonder if it would have been better if I tried. If I try them all habitually and I still have loose skin, at least I'll only wonder if it would have been worse if I hadn't.

Gifting myself

I've been thinking that since I have 2 months to prepare both mentally and otherwise, I would go ahead and start collecting little things for my new life. I'm traveling Mon - Thurs this week to New Orleans for work, so when I get back I'm going to take a nice box and cut off the top, then find some wrapping paper that makes me squeal with delight and put a big bow on it. This will be my gift to myself to celebrate my new birthday. I'll add things to it as I find them over the next few months. I'll start a tradition of giving myself a special gift (non-food, of course) every year on the anniversary of my new tummy! I was in the grocery store on Sunday and found the greatest little things that I think will be super helpful for post op, once I'm on semi-solids and solids. They are these adorable little 1 C. containers that come complete with a little removable ice pack that sits inside the lid. I've read that most sleevers won't come close to 1 C. of food for a long time (if ever), but these were the smallest ones I could find.

I can't wait to use these little boogers, and of course the pink one is my favorite! I've also got some adorable little cocktail forks and spoons that will make me take itsy-bitsy little bites of food. I'm hoping to find more of those in cute designs. If anyone has any suggestions for my gift box to myself, I'm all ears!

Picked a surgeon and got a date!!!

Whew! The last 48 hours have been a whirlwind! I went from considering Mexico if things were going to take forever with my Dr. to getting a call from my Dr. with some GREAT NEWS! My insurance has no preliminary requirements! They have put me on the "fast track" for VSG and I will be having surgery on Dec. 18th!!! I'm so excited. I got a date! I got a date! I got a date! I'm doing the happy dance! So many emotions going on right now. I jump from ecstatic to scared, and then from worried to anxious. Mostly just delighted though. I know the next few months are going to fly by, but I also hate the waiting. I've had an upset tummy for 24 hours now because my nerves are all over the place. This IS the right decision though. Even my other Dr's all agree this is going to be the best thing for me in my situation. December 18th will be here before I know it! Now I just have to wrap my head around it and decide how many people I'm willing to talk to about it. It feels very private, but I'm also not ashamed of it. Oh well, time will tell what I decide to do and I'll cross that bridge when I get there!

Viva la gastric sleeve?

So... you go on these sites like bariatricpal.com and obesityhelp.com and realself.com and before you know it you've chased down a rabbit hole click... click... click... one link leading to another. There I was knee-deep in alternatives. Honestly, if you had asked me just yesterday if I would ever consider surgery across the boarder, I would have given you an emphatic Hell. No.

As with a lot of things in my life, I get hell-bent on things that I think I know something about, when in all actuality, I didn't know jack crap.

#1 - I had no friggin idea that Mexican doctors were so outstanding in their field.
#2 - I had less of a friggin idea that Mexican medical facilities were so state of the art.
#3 - I had noooooo clue that many of the employees of these Mexican medical facilities are American and most of them are past patients of the very same facility that they are employed by.
#4 - I didn't know how many people were really doing this.
Ahhh, heck - I could go on and on.

The point is, this is really appealing to me. The total cost is about the same as my out of pocket will be, so I am still planning to go to my consultation with my US surgeon on Thursday, but if they indicate that this is going to be a 6-7 month rat race, I am going to put in some serious consideration with my south of the border friends. I still have a LOT to investigate, including talking to some real life people who have gone this route. I need to find out what happens if I get back to the states and have complications. Will my insurance cover me if I have problems that arise from the surgery? Still lots to know.

I do realize that the best case scenario is that my insurance covers me and doesn't require that I jump through flaming hoops to get this done. This needs to happen ASAP, as my other health conditions are making my quality of life difficult, at best. The good news is that my GP faxed to me 3 months of medical weight loss efforts from last year. I hope that this will be at least a portion of the insurance requirements. I really don't know. Still in the beginning stages of all this and I have a lot of questions. I can't wait for Thursday.

Ok, let's get down to business...

So, about this decision I've made to pursue VSG. It wasn't an easy one, and in fact, I went down this road almost 1 year ago.

A year ago I was at my highest weight. At 5'3" I weighed 259 lbs. I was so disgusted with myself and was at the end of my rope. I looked into bariatric surgery and was really interested. I exchanged lots of emails with an old friend that was working for one of the best bariatric surgeons in the Atlanta area. I was excited at the prospect of doing this - I knew the benefits greatly outweighed the risks. It seemed I was in pain all the time, I had failed at so many diets, and hunger always won. After talking it over with my husband, we agreed that we should go forward with the process. Well, unfortunately my excitement came to a screeching halt when I found out that my insurance wouldn't cover ANY bariatric procedure. Since the company I work for was a privately owned small business, bariatric surgery was completely excluded from the policy.

BAM.

Plans Over.

So, I joined a gym, and hired a personal trainer. 3 days a week I gave that little fella my blood, sweat and tears. And a little pee, but that's another story entirely lol. I followed a strict Paleo diet and lost about 32 lbs in a matter of 5 months. Then, out of nowhere I had wrenching back pain that made it very difficult to even walk. This went on for weeks, and finally my husband insisted that I see a doctor. Well, guess what? One torn disc, one bulging disk, very bad facet arthropathy (a crap ton of arthritis in my lower back), and spondylosis. Yeah, to put it in a nutshell, I was screwed.

Fast forward to July of this year and I began to see a specialist who periodically injected me with steroids in my back which helped tremendously with the pain. Because I did so well with them, he recommended that I have a nerve ablation procedure (now when I say my nerves are fried - they really are!).

About a week after that procedure an entirely new pain began. Head to toe agony. More doctors, more specialists. Diagnosis - Fibromyalgia. Often the onset of this ridiculous disease occurs after an invasive procedure. The most unfortunate part about this diagnosis and the one before it is that I'll never again be able to train like I once did. I sank into a deep depression; I honestly felt like life as I knew it was over. I rapidly gained weight back, up to 240.6 now. I tried to stay positive about it, but I literally went from an energetic, do-everything possible in a day kind of person, to an aching, sad, shell of a woman. Fearing that my fate was to forever be fat, my husband, my partner in life had an idea.

How did this not occur to me?

It's amazing how depression clouds your thinking.

His realization about a critical fact was like a ray of light. In January, the small business I worked for was purchased by a huge corporation, and in March... you guessed it... new insurance. One phone call to the number on the back of my card and my hope is renewed. They cover bariatric surgery.

My consultation with the surgeon is this Thursday. Send prayers, love and light. Stay tuned...

Stop the madness

It's not surprising to me now that everywhere I look I can see evidence that it's not just me that's suffering from the consequences of food addiction, and some of it is really starting to irritate the shit out of me. For instance, if one is trying to break free from the cycle of obsession with cakes, cookies, brownies, goodies, etc., then why does every single website (diet sites included) have page after page after page of recipes that simulate the very problem that we're trying to be free from? If the purpose is to make the change from crap to whole, clean, good food and separate ourselves from addiction, shouldn't the majority of the recipes be just that? If we constantly try to emulate the crap we've been eating, and convince ourselves that "it's ok - it's diet!", then aren't we defeating the purpose? Not to mention that many of the so-called "diet-friendly" recipes are NOT truly diet-friendly! Now, I'm not suggesting that everyone should subscribe to a bland and boring diet, I'm just saying that it's discouraging to see even the healthiest of lifestyles push the envelope when concocting these treats, because the fact is, if we convince ourselves that we can't live without them, then we can't! What about more lovely recipes that feature sweet potatoes, kale, onions, lean beef, bison, chicken, turkey, herbs, spices, whole fruits, nuts, garlic, tomatoes, avocados, etc., and less “healthy” chocolate fudge, diet cookies, low fat cupcakes, etc. These recipes only necessitate the problem when food addiction is at the core.

Thoughts on shedding our old selves

In talking with my baby sister (my 35 year old baby sister), who has always been so wise, we were discussing the relentlessness of regaining lost weight and why we do it. Her words were simple, but profound.

"To reach your goal you have to shed all those things that give you an excuse from pushing yourself to the next level on every topic. Being obese allows us to back down. It's our safeguard, our built-in hatch. It's been your friend. So has food. So, you're killing that old self."

Here's to new beginnings.

Dear food addiction,

Dear Food Addiction,

It's over. You have consistently let me down. You have failed me. Now, I know, I have failed you, too. I do take some responsibility in this. Ok, it's not you - it's me. No, let's not pussy-foot around this. It's you. You and your decadent texture, your filling, creamy, mouth-watering, insatiable, drug-like honeypot of ecstasy. I remember eating a piece of pie once, sitting across from my husband and teenage daughter, and saying "this is so good I wanna smear it on my tits". Yeah, and had I been alone in a bathtub I probably would have. You've seduced me into becoming a love obsessed whore that longs for your touch on my tongue. Like an abusive lover you apologize for your past transgressions with promises of better days; you tempt me and dance around me with your scent. Thoughts of you promise to comfort me, fill me, lure me into a deep, hypnotic sleep. Pictures of you everywhere around me, on TV, the Internet, curious little recipes on Facebook that mock me and spank me into submission. No more. No longer will I allow myself to succumb to the desire to devour you. No longer will I find my purpose in the taste of you. No longer will I face my mirror in the morning with thoughts of you from the night before still on my mind, and morsels of you still lingering on my breath; thoughts that leave me feeling defeated, milked, and taken advantage of like an innocent young girl. No longer will I allow you to ravish my body and my mind with your delicate crispness and explosive fillings, sauces, and drizzles.

The time has come to say goodbye. Oh, you've been good to me before. We've shared a lot of laughs you and I. We've celebrated together, cried together, overcome anger, sadness, despair. Albeit only temporarily. And yet, when you continued to fail me, I continued to return. Back into your arms once again for that next fill, that next satisfaction. But now, I have to let you go. I have to find satisfaction in myself. You see, you've left me lonely. Even in the space of that fullness, you've left me empty. The sparkle in my eyes where health once was has been replaced with threats of disease and the shadow of personal failure. You've taken everything from me, and the hard truth is, I have allowed it.

So now let the echo of my voice be a reminder to you that what is in the past will remain there. All the times you've hurt me will be a grim reminder to move forward and heal. You are being replaced with simple fuel. Fuel to move me and repair my body. Fuel to live in abundance of life, not abundance of food.

Farewell my lifetime lover, goodbye.

A blog for no one...

Hi! My name is Emily, and this is my journey through the process of VSG or vertical sleeve gastrectomy, aka gastric sleeve. I'm starting this blog at the beginning, so I'm excited about the fact that my "About Me" page will be an evolution of change, because in all reality, the me that I am now, will not be the same "me" in a few months. I'm anxious and timid, but optimistic about the future.

I'm a 40 year old Mom of two girls and wife to the most amazing, supportive husband in the world who is not only my lover, but my very best friend. He's right beside me through this process, and without him, this would be an entirely different journey.

This blog is not intended to have an audience. Well, rather, just an audience of one – that one being me.

I recently read a blog about why people blog. Some do it for financial gain, others do it to increase their journalistic (is that a word?) exposure, and others – this is the category I fit neatly into – blog for very personal reasons, and never really expect to have any “followers”. But, maybe one day I will, so before I go any further, I’ll say “thanks” to whoever may come. For whatever your reasons are for being here, I appreciate your support. Maybe you’re hoping I’ve got something to say that will help you along the same journey, God knows I certainly searched for little nuggets of thought when I first decided to go down this road.

Regardless of why you’re here, thanks.

Sometimes when I’m relaxing in the tub I’ll ask myself why I’m doing this, and occasionally I’ll have little moments of clarity and come up with a cute quote or motivational thought and think “I should put that in my journal so I’ll read it later”. Inevitably I forget what it was, and when I’m finally writing again, it continues to escape me. I should come up with a good way of making notes to include in my writings. But, then again I probably won’t.

So, to those of you who have somehow come across me and decided to subscribe to my way of thinking, or at least pose a curiosity about it, thanks again. As I continue on this journey I can only hope that whatever I’m doing is helping someone out there, because if it does, then that gives me great happiness.