There are only two kinds of days.

Ambivalence is defined as the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something. On this particular journey in my life I've decided that I have but only two kinds of days. The only way I can refer to them is as positive days and negative days. The two never seem to cross paths, and each morning promises one of the two. A new friend of mine that I have begun to get to know through bariatricpal.com, the website that I'm admittedly an addict of, said it best; "It's almost like a strange retake on Groundhog's Day, where we've somehow got caught up in this (seemingly) never ending loop." That's exactly how I feel. I fall asleep at night thinking one of two things, either worry about the surgery and/or post op, or feeling excited about the surgery and/or post op success. I wake up feeling either anxious about how many days are left until surgery or hopeful about how positive my life will change for the better. I'm not quite sure why I keep vacillating so much between these two outlooks. The good thing about the website mentioned before is that you can read all sorts of varying experiences from literally thousands and thousands of people. The bad thing about it is the exact same thing. It's the epitome of a catch 22. Sometimes when I read horror stories that people have gone through or turmoil that people going through right now as a result of surgery, its sets my nerves on overdrive. One side of me says, "that won't happen to me", and the other side says, "the risk here is real, even the risk of death". Those two extremes are just that. Extreme. Granted, I'm relatively healthy other than morbid obesity, degenerative arthritis and fibromyalgia. I don't have blood pressure problems or heart issues. But, the clock is ticking. I am getting no younger and no thinner being incapable of exercise in this state that I'm in. I know that I've made the right choice and I know that the more positive I remain, the better I will do. If I don't go through this surgery, one thing is for sure, I will get sicker, I will get heavier, and I will face more health challenges. My mind is made up, I just wish I could stop this cycle.